My baby girl is also battling through a narcotics wean after months of being on large doses of them, so she cries a lot. The best medicine to help her through this has been the comfort of being in her mommas arms. I'm so glad she wants me, but it's exhausting. For months on end, we have been confined to a small room full of medical equipment that beeps at us, lights that stream in night and day, nurses and doctors in and out of the room night and day. The only way to hold her is standing up or in an uncomfortable rocker. There's no privacy and very little rest when your child is in the hospital. It's a common occurrence to be woken up at 5am because she needs a blood draw or an X-ray. It doesn't matter to them that you had just finally gotten her back to sleep at 4:30am and were trying to get some sleep, so you could function the next day. You try to make up for the lack of sleep by taking a nap the next day, only to be woken up by a new doctor who comes behind the curtain (your only tiny bit of privacy) and wakes you up to ask you questions about your child. You are expected to know her entire medical history off the top of your head, even if they did just wake you up and you are sleep deprived. I'm not blaming the medical professionals. They are just doing their job, to take the best possible care of your child. I am so thankful for all they do! All I'm saying is that living in the hospital, caring for a sick child is exhausting. I try to leave for at least an hour a day, to get some food and fresh air, but there have been times where I've gone days without leaving, where I've wished I could just take a shower at home and go to sleep in my own bed, but I can't, because my baby needs me.
It would be so easy to complain about all of this, and to be perfectly honest with you, I have. But this morning at 2am when I got up to hold my crying baby I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for this crying baby. I was flooded with gratitude because I have a baby who needs me. A baby who CAN cry. A baby who is alive and getting stronger every day. My baby who was rapidly declining six weeks ago and would not have left this hospital if she hadn't gotten a new heart in time, is alive. She's not only alive, but she's breathing on her own, talking, eating, and smiling! When she had a breathing tube in, she couldn't talk or make noise at all. Without it, she can smile and cry and say momma.
I only know what it's like to be a mom to a sick baby, but even though my baby requires extra care and attention, I think I can speak for all new moms when I say that taking care of a baby is hard work. There's very little time for yourself anymore because a little person needs your constant attention. But what an amazing gift that is! I have the opportunity to raise the next generation, and that's a privilege and a blessing. Emma brings me so much joy and I am so thankful to be her momma.
They say never wake a sleeping baby. But as she lay in her bed last night so peacefully sleeping. I had to pick her up and give her some goodnight cuddles, because much too soon this season will pass and I will wonder where the time went. I want to enjoy it while it's here, no matter how many sleepless nights it takes!
God bless you Catherine. This is so beautifully written, and all true! I have followed Emma for most of your journey, and I'm a nurse and a mother. It is very tiring to be a Mom, and especially of a sick child. And lots of times we are pushed to the edge, which you have been, but you have hung on. The nurses get to work their shift, the Drs. work their hours, the X-ray techs work their shift, the phlebotomists work their shifts, housekeeping works their shift, and they all go home, do their thing, sleep and start again. But you are the Mom. Your's is a 24 hr. job. Yes you could leave, and you know that they would take excellent care of Emma, but you know that when she opens those big brown eyes, she's looking for you. And yours is the name she calls out. So how can you leave that room without your heart? Just like Emma. She couldn't leave without her heart either. But my dear, as the time gets closer to her going home, when you get the chance to pamper yourself, do it! You are going to need your energy even more when she's totally in your care. You took care of yourself when you were pregnant, because you were taking care of her too. Well, that hasn't changed. You have to take care of yourself, because it's part of taking care of Emma. You have done an awesome job of hanging in there through all this drama! Up and down, is she OK, is she in trouble, her numbers aren't good, her numbers are good! What a ride you have been on! So please take some time for yourself. I'm giving you permission to do that because I know you can't give that to yourself. But it's OK. Praying for all of you everyday. Every once in a while, Emma's face pops up in my head, and I have 9 kid's of my own! But I'm thinking about your baby! And when that happens I just say a prayer for her and you, and your family. God's got this. So rest, and at least take 1 day for you. Do it for Emma, so you will feel refreshed and strong, and she will feel it from you. Bless you all.
ReplyDeleteAs a 58 yr old momma and my youngest baby is 20, I remember those sleepless nights and miss them. Though I get lots of hugs from my grown kids and we will gather on a couch to watch a movie or talk; I miss their baby cuddles. Now, I am blessed with 4 precious grand babies and 2 are still baby small and I get their "snuggles". (My 2 yr old grandson calls them 'huggles'). I am honored to watch this miracle unfold. And yes..... hold that baby of yours as much as you want & can. What a blessing! And thank you both for sharing Gods miracles and the power of prayer. What a witness of Gods mercy, grace and love.
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